Operation Khardung La

Part 1 - Inception

There are moments which define us ; define our lives; how we are going to look back at events that shaped us and where did it all begin. This is the tale (a LEGEND perhaps??) of one such event!!


I was in the office, at my desk when i received a text from Chacko saying  Attur had been selected to go to IIM-C. I called him , congratulated him., and carried on with my day. As usual, Chacko and I agreed to catch up later in the night. Instead of knocking down a few beers, we settled for tea and smokes by the roadside!.





Let me cut across to a different story.  We all have things that we would like to do. Items on a bucket list that are pushed way down the list of priorities due to more pressing needs, lack of will or sometimes both. These  will never get done until and unless something hits you . And hits you hard.. Very very hard!!
Ever since each one us  has ridden a bullet, the fantasy of riding one of those beauties through the meandering valleys of the Himalayas and the desert plains of Leh has been one such dream. A topic that was no more than 'a plan' that got discussed over innumerable rounds of  drinks until one man decided that it was time to make that dream a reality.




When i met Chacko that night, there was something different . Mood- sombre and pensive; he was a different animal.
He was reflecting on how the rest of the year would pass. How Attur would go, so would Sharma. And how he and me were going to be left all by ourselves in Bangalore. Over some banter, I let the thought pass! But as i was to realize the next morning; he was going to carry that thought back with him to his house! To his bed! And to his 
workplace, until he would seat himself down and pen down his thoughts into one hard hitting email. The email that would sit in our mail boxes the next day until we opened it - a string of 1's and 0's that would make a chill run down our spines; make the hair on our hands stand up and take notice of the contents of the email  and most importantly ,make us think long and hard at our time together!


The mail that started it all.. and finished 'US' off!!

As of yesterday attur has his future set. This is what is goin to happen by the end of this year. And dont tell me i m wrong cos i m chacko i m very rarely wrong, but of course u all know that by now.

Attur goin for his mba

Wahul getting married

Tharun goin to germany

Faraz will get into some B school for sure

Sharma seeing all this will get enough charbi up his ass to study for gate, if he starts i know that will end in him being in some IIT

G has already vanished to some top secret govt agency in bombay high

and of course me i ll be here.

Who would have thought the morons sitting in their torn shorts in some bakery every evening, the morons who stared at 9 to 9 still she felt violated, the morons who went to goa and hit on some belarus women (who was maried btw with her testosterone driven husband next to her), the morons who grew their hair and beard to hide their face, the morons who sent and wondered why jugni is used in every punjabi song, the morons who ........... the list will go on and on. Will be the CEOs and big shots and decision makers in big shot companies in a couple of years.

All these events and recent changes to the future of the fellow grease monks indicates one thing. There is a good chance that this leh/ladhakh trip is goin to be one last act of madness, one last act of craziness, stupidity, moment of clarity, heroism and what not that is waiting for us in this trip. So lets make this fuckin trip and lets make it fuckin count. Cos from then on our lives we will be split into two types of minutes, a minute that u make money and a minute that u spend money until the minutes that we have been given on this planet runs out.

This trip is not just a trip its a late goodbye to each other.

In the words of the great DAVID BOWIE and later on covered by the very gay wallflowers "we can be heroes just for one day"

"I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we're all cowards." -Alberto Salazar, three-time winner of the NYC marathon

Nothing better echoes my sentiments on that fateful day as I got ready to run my first ever distance race. 10 KM!! A diminutive number some might say, but nothing less than a herculean task for me.

I still remember it like it was yesterday..
It was the middle of December when my friend was prodding me to try and move beyond mere walking. . Try and jog is what he said. Always being a heavy kid, I had my fears. Having tried to jog on and off over the years, but never completely being able to establish that I COULD do more than just amble on, I’d given up all hope. But none the less, I decided to try again. I have not looked back since!!

The race was flagged of at 8:03 by my watch. It took a good 13 minutes before I even reached the start line. . All I remember was that I still had no idea if I’d be completing the race that day .A long talk with an old friend had made me set out a modest 70 min target. Roughly 8.6 km/hr.Pretty achievable!! Except that I’d never run that distance before without taking a break. Would I be able to do that?? Only time would tell.

Be Smart!! Know when to cut your losses and drop out. That’s what a leading journal prescribed amongst its tips for race day. And the entire time I spent warming up in the holding area, I wondered if that was the only piece of advice from the multitude of information I had gone through while preparing for this race that I was going to make use of that day.

As I took to the roads of Bangalore, it was very different from the roads that I’m accustomed to seeing. There were no cars as far as I could see. Felt almost like heaven on Earth to be honest. For a minute I wished I was on my bike. When else would I get an opportunity to ride in Bangalore without any traffic? That too on MG Road . Alas, what substituted for the lack of traffic was the hustling and jostling one needed to do to make way for running. As we were lead towards Anil Kumble Circle from the stadium, the crowds only seemed to be getting slower by the minute. Trying to maintain my preset pace, I started to run on the pavement. For the next 2-3 km before I broke away from the crowds, I shuffled continuously between the Road and the Pavement. Though it worked out fine, in retrospect I feel extremely stupid for such a silly move. It could well have cost me the race, or taken me out for good.

I then established a steady comfortable rhythm that all runners get into after a certain time /distance. It’s a pace that a runner can run at for miles without giving up or being tired. As I came up to my 8th kilometer, I realized how tired I actually was. The heat had also begun to get to me now. But on the other hand, being properly warmed up, I was running quite hard and very comfortably too. I took a little glucose from one of the stands, poured some water over myself and decided to go all out. The 70 minute target was now very achievable. But optimism knows no bounds and I was now trying to do it in less than 60 minutes. J I decided that the only I was going to finish the remaining two kms had to be running. And in the madness that ensued, I forgot to cross the 5th time marker. A move that cost me a finisher t-shirt!! :(

These last two km were the fastest and perhaps the most difficult too. I had started to cramp up now. My knees were screaming out in pain. I remember being told that I have never pushed my body to the limit. And there I was trying to do just that. . Learning to run with the pain. . Pushing harder. Doing it!!! Not Thinking!!!
And as I crossed the 9th km marker, I knew I was now going to make it home. On my own two feet!! As this dawned upon me, I was suddenly overwhelmed. It was just a matter of time now. I was already on the home stretch. I made it just under 63 minutes. No one to celebrate the victory with, I sat in a corner and reflected on the race I had just ran. I thought of the innumerable times I had given up on challenges, not because I couldn’t rise up to them. But because I did not believe I could. I thought of all those who had pushed me to do this: some with encouragement, some with their unkind words. I thought of why I had started running. What I had set out to achieve and what I had got back in return.

A few months back I ‘ran’ because it set me free. When I ran, it seemed to me that could do anthing!! It made me feel invincible. If I ran a little harder, I’d take off into thin air .It took me away from my reality, it liberated me. I ran because it helped me clear the cobwebs of my mind. Running was the means to a euphoric end.

It is not the same now.H aving kept at this for some time now and at the threshold of yet another race, I can say that I run because running emulates life. It is now an inseparable part of me.

A quote that might better express what my own words may never be able to:

"As runners, we all go through many transitions that closely mimic the larger changes we experience in a lifetime. First , we try to run faster. Then we try to run farther. Then we learn to accept ourselves and our limitations, and at last, we can appreciate the true joy and meaning of running. It’s not about how fast you go. It's not about how far you go. It's a process. As we run, we become." - Amby Burfoot

Walk with me ..

Walk with me, hand in hand,

Till it has run out, my timepieces' sand.

Walk with me , it's a wondrous way,

Every step that you take, where red roses lay.

Walk with me , an arudous way.

Where the heath is high, cobbled disarray.

Let me wipe your tears; let me fight your fears.

Let us live those dreams; turn to reality all that seems.

Let me hold your hand , fight your dreaded demons;

I ask for not much, nor those unforgiving reasons.

Care not how you look, nor what riches you got,

cos with you my darling, I'm already besot. .

Care not for your Zodiac, nor your family tree,

Just want your precious love,eternally that sets me free.

Our days full of joy, let me be your strength and support.

If you're my castle , i will be your moat.

Can promise you no pricey stone nor a piece of the moon,

Can give you my undying love , that'll forever feel like a boon.

You are my saviour, my cool shade from the blistering sun;

The vitalising breeze that comforts me ,when deserted by everyone.

You are the rain that pours, like a blessing from heavens above;

My Heaven on Earth you have forged with your everlasting love.

Fill my days with light, my existance with hope;

With you by me, darling, anything i can cope.

All I want from you, is to stay by me,

And let me show you the glorious future, I know that ours can be.

I've Wished not to feel, again this sweet love's pain ,

But your thoughts flooding my mind, it's driving me insane.

Believe me my sunshine; Believe me when i say;

All this is no Fib, forever, this is how it'll stay.

Enough said darling, let this savage world be;

Come hither, hold my hand, and walk with me. . .

Solitude

As I took the long ride home;
Solitary was my state.
Tired and alone, wished for company;
Even an unforgiving mate.

And then a thought came flitting by;
Gave me strength, made me brave.
Intrepid is how you must now, feel,
cause this is how they’ll lay you in your grave.

It had been perhaps my best vacation till date. 3 days back , 10 of us had left Bangalore during it’s wee hours and made our way to Goa on our bikes. And as I made the bus journey back to Bangalore (my road trip having been cut short due to an inevitable breakdown) I started to miss the fellas. That’s when I realized I had the next twelve hours to myself. A dangerous situation. . don’t like it. .

Now I’ll be honest. It’s been a while since I felt that way. Since I’ve been alone both physically and mentally that is. Ever since I’d given up on the most exacting Endeavour of my insignificant life, I’ve had my best friend by my side every waking moment. He has pulled me through my worst times and ensured that I’ve more than survived each time. But now, with him miles away and me without a cellular network, I was having trouble coming to terms with my solitude.

I have spent a large part of my life by myself. Started life as an introverted kid... was quite a loner.But the hustle bustle of last few years have made me forget that feeling. Used to be completely at ease with my own self. Then why did this feel so weird all of a sudden?

Why did I feel the need for companionship all the time? Did I not love myself enough to spend a few moments by myself? I remember the times when I would spend hours just dreaming or introspecting ; talking to my own self at times for hours without end. How was this so different then? What was making me uncomfortable? Maybe it’s just been a while since I felt this way. .

As I sit there in the bus, fully aware of what I am feeling, I realize that it’s k to be alone. A friend’s words start to play in my mind -“We are all alone Faraaz. ALL THE BLOODY TIME. We come into this world alone. We leave this world alone. Come to think of it, when aren’t we alone? Even when we are in the presence of another individual we are alone. What do u mean by you will be alone then?”
All this is making me wonder what is it really that is scaring me? Did I actually believe that the presence of a familiar face was probably going to prevent me from say, a tragedy if it were to befall me that very instant? I have a barrage of thoughts right then that I cannot explain. Why this unsettling feeling? What has changed? Had anything changed? Why did I feel that I have left a part of me behind in time. Was it for good? Was it for bad? Maybe I ‘ll never know. I’m just aware of the change. I’m different now. Why does change have to be so scary?

I’ve given up a lot that I believed in lately. Some ideals that I have hung onto for as long as i could remember. It was just time to let go of them I guess. It didn’t make me any worse or any better a person. Maybe I am just growing up. Maybe I’m just learning to live. Maybe I’m just not that afraid anymore. Maybe I just don’t care. Maybe I just want to be left alone and just haven’t known it all along. Maybe I just need some time to heal.

Whatever that feeling. I am at peace with it now. I know it will trouble me again when I allow myself these tempting thoughts at a later date. But until then I have the time and I will have more answers. I will be ready to face these demons of mine then. With music in my ears I lay back and continue thinking.

Now:
As I put this post up, nearly 2 months after it’s been written. This is what I can say about it- this is by far my most sketchy piece and most impromptu one too. It’s funny how 8 stupid lines conjured out of thin air can bring about so much to think about. It led me onto a concept that I guess I will continue to breakdown and analyze in the future. There‘s more about this that I hope to write someday . . This does not end here .

Meanwhile, I seem to have found an old friend - my solitude.

In my defence... I don’t really care anymore.

The last few months have made me think a lot more than I ever wanted to. I hope the exercise has not been futile. .
It has made me take a step back and evaluate myself as an individual against the backdrop of my life. To determine my basic understanding of what differentiates right from wrong, good from evil and more importantly which side did I eventually fall upon . That is, If I cared any longer to judge the same.
Lived enough for others, it’s my time now. .
This is by no means an effort to validate my thoughts or my actions. Just a bunch of points I’ve held sacred for quite some time now. And more importantly how, they’ve shaped me as an individual . .

It’s k to be stupid at times, maybe all the time. At least being stupid comes from your heart. Not your head.Serves no purpose than to make you feel good. It’s your life. Whatever makes you tick.
It’s alright to act like a kid. Growing up sucks anyway. . Moreover, the innocence of childhood is lost on our generation. So every time you feel like being a kid, I think you are entitled to that J
It’s k to bawl your guts out when it hurts. It always ends up making u feel better.
It’s k to cry in the presence of other people. Sure as hell beats crying all by yourself.
It’s k to have people laugh at you. Even better if you can laugh with them.
It’s k to want a shoulder to cry on. Even better if you can provide one when needed..
It’s k to want to get educated some more. Even better if you are doing it for the right reasons.
It’s k to want to learn new things . It’s a progressive discovery of one’s own ignorance.
It’s k to splurge every once in a while. Even better if it’s your own money .
Best- if you’ve worked really really hard for it. Nothing’s more sweeter than the fruit of one’s own labour. .
It’s alright to spend sometime on yourself. No, it does not make you a narcissist. At most, you’ll fall in love with your own self. And that, can only be a good thing .
It’s k to spend a few hours doing nothing. Laze in bed. Lost in thoughts .U deserve it.
It’s k to sit up late in the night, trying to get the work done before the deadline . You’ve earned that too
It’s alright to find a soul mate even if you can’t be with them for the rest of your life. You’re lucky enough just to have found one.
It’s alright to help someone without expecting anything in return. . Karma always works. Better still , it will always ends up making u feel better.
It’s k to love someone more than yourself without expecting them ever to love you back. Looks like you finally understand what love is all about.
It’s k to judge people. Just none too harshly.
It’s k to be judged by people . The only opinion that counts is yours anyway.

It’s k to be afraid. It’s k to doubt yourself. It’s k to be alone. It is what you are for most of your life.
Even better if u experience all of these together; it’s a sign you’re growing up. Anything that hurts you, only leaves you a stronger . Yes it changes you. But only for the better. . You may not see it now, but sometime in the future you will be thankful about every single thing that happened to your in this life. No matter how good or bad it was.

It’s k to feel invincible. Immortal even. . Remember how that feels.
It’s k to feel helpless and lost. . It won’t last forever.

Just remember -you are but a candle, that will go off at dawn.
So until then; Keep shining. .
Shine bright, shine strong,
Spread the joy, all along.

Persevere

I saw a movie today which got me thinking. .

We all start our lives with a well defined idea about how we would like our lives to pan out. We all have dreams when we’re growing up right - “this is what I want to be when I grow up” or ” this is where I will be 10 years from now”, etc, etc. But I wonder what comes of them finally. Do our dreams change? Or maybe we do. A little bit of both perhaps. I don’t really have an answer to that. I am as confused as every single one of you.
When we are young, pure and untouched by the harsh reality that is life, we dream unbounded. We live these dreams in our heads. That’s when we first give flight to our aspirations and allow them to soar high above. It’s like our dreams are nothing but an inevitable fact of life.. it will eventually happen. It has to !!! That’s the kind of confidence we possess. What happens to it then? Where does all that faith we had in our abilities disappear? Somewhere down the road, a doubt seats itself deep inside us. This little devil grows within us until it has consumed the last speck of hope that we might have held onto.
I essentially feel that there are 2 types of people. The first are those who pursue their goals. But like the 99.99% of us who set about trying our luck, they fail. They fall down. . It is as this point that the first type differentiates itself from the second because the former will pick themselves and walk away from it all. For them the satisfaction of having tried (and having failed, mind you) is enough. They can get through life making themselves believe that they did the best they could. They will never be remembered. I, wish to tell you about those who have refused to let hope die and persevered even in the face of adversity. And, how they have thrived..
A few names come to my mind actually. There was a guy called Steve Prefontaine, an American long distance runner. ‘Pre’ as he was fondly called believed that the only way to run a race was to run it hard and flat out until the very end. A move that was unprecedented, cost him his races initially but not what he believed in. . It did not cost him his values. He persevered. He trained harder and did exactly what he had set out to do until he started winning those races. Yes, running them flat and hard until the very end. .
Then, there’s Henri Charriere. Personally, I think ‘Papillon’ is the most poignant tale of perseverance ever told by a man. Jailed for a crime he did not commit and sentenced for life to an island prison from which no man has ever returned alive,here was a man who broke out of that prison on his 14th attempt. The story of his escapes is an inspiration to anyone who has ever tried and failed. If ever a man has succeeded due to sheer hard work , this the is the kind of resolve he would have had. If ever u feel like giving up on a dream, this book is the medicine the doctor prescribed.
And then there’s the story of ' Rudy'. A struggle that is better documented by the movie than my words will ever be able to express. The reason I find this particular movie worth mentioning is that it is a story that teaches you that when you want something bad enough, the world will work with you in helping you achieve those dreams. All you need to do is try. . If ever you thought that you’ve had it tough in life, you should look at this guy. Not only did he survive under the circumstances, he thrived. No wonder then that a man who played for a single game in his entire career as a sportsperson is something to be looked up to. I don’t think of it as a movie. It’s an experience. . .

Anyone who knows me personally would know that I will not stop here. But I’m trying to get a point across here. Not put you to sleep. So...

A common thread weaves through all these individuals. They were all afraid. All had a lot to lose. Some even their lives. But that didn’t stop them from pursuing their dreams. I know it’s difficult to feel that way when we all have a warm bed to sleep in and 3 square meals a day. But, if you have wanted something badly enough, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yes you will fail at first. Success is a lousy teacher anyway. But keep at it. You’ll know what it takes to get there. PERSEVERE. It means different things to different people. I have a simple definition - A man‘s got to do what a man’s got to do. . It’s that simple. There are no exceptions. No ‘ifs’ to fall back upon. You want it. . You’ll know what you have to do. Just go right ahead and do it.
Just Remember: the race belongs not only to the swift and strong- but also to those who keep on running.
There will be times you will want to just give it all up. But learn to pick up the pieces and walk. Like I said , if u want it bad enough, you’ll know how. Everybody has to learn to walk their own baby steps.
I am no teacher . I am no sage. I am as flawed as anyone else my age. I have no authority to advise anyone. But what I would like to say to you is that it’s okay to be afraid. Acknowledge the fear. Be aware of it’s presence, but don’t cower in front of your challenges. Don’t be bogged down by the consequences that you may have to endure. Instead, use this fear to fuel the fire that burns inside you. Let this fire burn like the fires of hell. Allow it to consume you. Allow this fire to consume your reality. Burn in it. . .Cos only when the fire of your efforts has charred your reality to ashes , will the Phoenix of your dreams arise.
And oh! How it will soar…

The Awakening. .

As they sat in the darkness of the ominous night,
Sharpening their steel for the 'Holy Fight',

Over that what was to come, he did now ponder,
What The batllefield'd stage, he did now wonder.

Would it be like it had been said before;
As promised by Him, as had said the lore.

Would he come today, whose side would He take ?
Or would they be those, the final hour who'd be forsake?

How many'd fall today? This day would he hear his knell ?
This day was he destined to darkest corner of hell?

Aware of it, bewildered, he pushed his fears away;
With veneration he rose, aloud, his men to say.

"Today we fight , for that which our fathers fought",
Yet inside his heart he knew, that, they'd already forgot.

Inside him today,something rose like a tide,
He pushed it away , with angst ,a flush of pride.

"This is what we live for, that for which we die.
Ergo for eternity, in paradise thou shall lie.

Come has the time, people, for you'll to be brave,
Your faith to defend, your Gods to save."

And yet it plagued him ,a sinking feeling within.
He prayed for forgiveness;him to deliver,for his sin.

He looked at their faces, not one has squinted.
"My family I wish to return", not one has hinted.

They would fight today, for all they believed was right,
Dismissing all their fears, with all of their might.

Gathering all his men,he at the brink dawn,
Lead them to the field, knowing not what the day'd spawn.

Alas, there it was, a sighting in the horizon;
It had arrived, the time,the fields to turn crimson.

Thus, came into each other like waves; violent, against the sea shore,
Metal to metal, flesh to flesh, they crashed with a thundering roar,

Every minute someone took, that one last breath ;
Naive were the fools for what they embraced their death.

Still they carried on, the stench of death ran high,
And yet they persisted, for their 'gilted share of the pie'.

He fought with valor, but where was the honour?
It had him abandoned, at this needful hour.

That is when he saw him, the corner of his eye,
As he charged into him ,with a smile gone wry.

"He looks like a man, is made of flesh and blood,
Then what attribute differs us both, I've never understood.

He worships another God; He prays another way,
Yet he bears the same burdens, as any man may.

He is likely a father,also a husband and a son,
Then why is it I must hate him, for which deed that he has done?"

As he crashed into him, the man to fight him now tried.
From his slumber he'd awoken;to kill, the will had left his side.

As he pinned him to the ground, he saw him eye to eye;
A glimpse of compassion? A thrust, a gasp, a sigh.

In his final moments he did this sight but see,
He was but a man; a man just as was he. .

Then as the Archangel, started to pull out his soul,
He knew thatnow for him, the bell had now toll,

All that was worldly, at the moment he forgot;
And departed to eternity , but with this final thought:

"In my heart I know that this, here will not die.
Another 'Hero' will rise, to his people he'll lie.

Here it will not end, of hatred we sowed the seed;
Ay, this they will venge, this woeful spiteful deed."

Choked with tears he cried, at the scourge he'd conspired.
The blood on his hands; the damnation that it had sired.

He knew they'd fight again, just another Black day,
To his people he wished , all this he could but say.

He knew they'd fight again, just another fateful time,
About that bloody day, another fool'd make a rhyme...