In my defence... I don’t really care anymore.

The last few months have made me think a lot more than I ever wanted to. I hope the exercise has not been futile. .
It has made me take a step back and evaluate myself as an individual against the backdrop of my life. To determine my basic understanding of what differentiates right from wrong, good from evil and more importantly which side did I eventually fall upon . That is, If I cared any longer to judge the same.
Lived enough for others, it’s my time now. .
This is by no means an effort to validate my thoughts or my actions. Just a bunch of points I’ve held sacred for quite some time now. And more importantly how, they’ve shaped me as an individual . .

It’s k to be stupid at times, maybe all the time. At least being stupid comes from your heart. Not your head.Serves no purpose than to make you feel good. It’s your life. Whatever makes you tick.
It’s alright to act like a kid. Growing up sucks anyway. . Moreover, the innocence of childhood is lost on our generation. So every time you feel like being a kid, I think you are entitled to that J
It’s k to bawl your guts out when it hurts. It always ends up making u feel better.
It’s k to cry in the presence of other people. Sure as hell beats crying all by yourself.
It’s k to have people laugh at you. Even better if you can laugh with them.
It’s k to want a shoulder to cry on. Even better if you can provide one when needed..
It’s k to want to get educated some more. Even better if you are doing it for the right reasons.
It’s k to want to learn new things . It’s a progressive discovery of one’s own ignorance.
It’s k to splurge every once in a while. Even better if it’s your own money .
Best- if you’ve worked really really hard for it. Nothing’s more sweeter than the fruit of one’s own labour. .
It’s alright to spend sometime on yourself. No, it does not make you a narcissist. At most, you’ll fall in love with your own self. And that, can only be a good thing .
It’s k to spend a few hours doing nothing. Laze in bed. Lost in thoughts .U deserve it.
It’s k to sit up late in the night, trying to get the work done before the deadline . You’ve earned that too
It’s alright to find a soul mate even if you can’t be with them for the rest of your life. You’re lucky enough just to have found one.
It’s alright to help someone without expecting anything in return. . Karma always works. Better still , it will always ends up making u feel better.
It’s k to love someone more than yourself without expecting them ever to love you back. Looks like you finally understand what love is all about.
It’s k to judge people. Just none too harshly.
It’s k to be judged by people . The only opinion that counts is yours anyway.

It’s k to be afraid. It’s k to doubt yourself. It’s k to be alone. It is what you are for most of your life.
Even better if u experience all of these together; it’s a sign you’re growing up. Anything that hurts you, only leaves you a stronger . Yes it changes you. But only for the better. . You may not see it now, but sometime in the future you will be thankful about every single thing that happened to your in this life. No matter how good or bad it was.

It’s k to feel invincible. Immortal even. . Remember how that feels.
It’s k to feel helpless and lost. . It won’t last forever.

Just remember -you are but a candle, that will go off at dawn.
So until then; Keep shining. .
Shine bright, shine strong,
Spread the joy, all along.

Persevere

I saw a movie today which got me thinking. .

We all start our lives with a well defined idea about how we would like our lives to pan out. We all have dreams when we’re growing up right - “this is what I want to be when I grow up” or ” this is where I will be 10 years from now”, etc, etc. But I wonder what comes of them finally. Do our dreams change? Or maybe we do. A little bit of both perhaps. I don’t really have an answer to that. I am as confused as every single one of you.
When we are young, pure and untouched by the harsh reality that is life, we dream unbounded. We live these dreams in our heads. That’s when we first give flight to our aspirations and allow them to soar high above. It’s like our dreams are nothing but an inevitable fact of life.. it will eventually happen. It has to !!! That’s the kind of confidence we possess. What happens to it then? Where does all that faith we had in our abilities disappear? Somewhere down the road, a doubt seats itself deep inside us. This little devil grows within us until it has consumed the last speck of hope that we might have held onto.
I essentially feel that there are 2 types of people. The first are those who pursue their goals. But like the 99.99% of us who set about trying our luck, they fail. They fall down. . It is as this point that the first type differentiates itself from the second because the former will pick themselves and walk away from it all. For them the satisfaction of having tried (and having failed, mind you) is enough. They can get through life making themselves believe that they did the best they could. They will never be remembered. I, wish to tell you about those who have refused to let hope die and persevered even in the face of adversity. And, how they have thrived..
A few names come to my mind actually. There was a guy called Steve Prefontaine, an American long distance runner. ‘Pre’ as he was fondly called believed that the only way to run a race was to run it hard and flat out until the very end. A move that was unprecedented, cost him his races initially but not what he believed in. . It did not cost him his values. He persevered. He trained harder and did exactly what he had set out to do until he started winning those races. Yes, running them flat and hard until the very end. .
Then, there’s Henri Charriere. Personally, I think ‘Papillon’ is the most poignant tale of perseverance ever told by a man. Jailed for a crime he did not commit and sentenced for life to an island prison from which no man has ever returned alive,here was a man who broke out of that prison on his 14th attempt. The story of his escapes is an inspiration to anyone who has ever tried and failed. If ever a man has succeeded due to sheer hard work , this the is the kind of resolve he would have had. If ever u feel like giving up on a dream, this book is the medicine the doctor prescribed.
And then there’s the story of ' Rudy'. A struggle that is better documented by the movie than my words will ever be able to express. The reason I find this particular movie worth mentioning is that it is a story that teaches you that when you want something bad enough, the world will work with you in helping you achieve those dreams. All you need to do is try. . If ever you thought that you’ve had it tough in life, you should look at this guy. Not only did he survive under the circumstances, he thrived. No wonder then that a man who played for a single game in his entire career as a sportsperson is something to be looked up to. I don’t think of it as a movie. It’s an experience. . .

Anyone who knows me personally would know that I will not stop here. But I’m trying to get a point across here. Not put you to sleep. So...

A common thread weaves through all these individuals. They were all afraid. All had a lot to lose. Some even their lives. But that didn’t stop them from pursuing their dreams. I know it’s difficult to feel that way when we all have a warm bed to sleep in and 3 square meals a day. But, if you have wanted something badly enough, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yes you will fail at first. Success is a lousy teacher anyway. But keep at it. You’ll know what it takes to get there. PERSEVERE. It means different things to different people. I have a simple definition - A man‘s got to do what a man’s got to do. . It’s that simple. There are no exceptions. No ‘ifs’ to fall back upon. You want it. . You’ll know what you have to do. Just go right ahead and do it.
Just Remember: the race belongs not only to the swift and strong- but also to those who keep on running.
There will be times you will want to just give it all up. But learn to pick up the pieces and walk. Like I said , if u want it bad enough, you’ll know how. Everybody has to learn to walk their own baby steps.
I am no teacher . I am no sage. I am as flawed as anyone else my age. I have no authority to advise anyone. But what I would like to say to you is that it’s okay to be afraid. Acknowledge the fear. Be aware of it’s presence, but don’t cower in front of your challenges. Don’t be bogged down by the consequences that you may have to endure. Instead, use this fear to fuel the fire that burns inside you. Let this fire burn like the fires of hell. Allow it to consume you. Allow this fire to consume your reality. Burn in it. . .Cos only when the fire of your efforts has charred your reality to ashes , will the Phoenix of your dreams arise.
And oh! How it will soar…

The Awakening. .

As they sat in the darkness of the ominous night,
Sharpening their steel for the 'Holy Fight',

Over that what was to come, he did now ponder,
What The batllefield'd stage, he did now wonder.

Would it be like it had been said before;
As promised by Him, as had said the lore.

Would he come today, whose side would He take ?
Or would they be those, the final hour who'd be forsake?

How many'd fall today? This day would he hear his knell ?
This day was he destined to darkest corner of hell?

Aware of it, bewildered, he pushed his fears away;
With veneration he rose, aloud, his men to say.

"Today we fight , for that which our fathers fought",
Yet inside his heart he knew, that, they'd already forgot.

Inside him today,something rose like a tide,
He pushed it away , with angst ,a flush of pride.

"This is what we live for, that for which we die.
Ergo for eternity, in paradise thou shall lie.

Come has the time, people, for you'll to be brave,
Your faith to defend, your Gods to save."

And yet it plagued him ,a sinking feeling within.
He prayed for forgiveness;him to deliver,for his sin.

He looked at their faces, not one has squinted.
"My family I wish to return", not one has hinted.

They would fight today, for all they believed was right,
Dismissing all their fears, with all of their might.

Gathering all his men,he at the brink dawn,
Lead them to the field, knowing not what the day'd spawn.

Alas, there it was, a sighting in the horizon;
It had arrived, the time,the fields to turn crimson.

Thus, came into each other like waves; violent, against the sea shore,
Metal to metal, flesh to flesh, they crashed with a thundering roar,

Every minute someone took, that one last breath ;
Naive were the fools for what they embraced their death.

Still they carried on, the stench of death ran high,
And yet they persisted, for their 'gilted share of the pie'.

He fought with valor, but where was the honour?
It had him abandoned, at this needful hour.

That is when he saw him, the corner of his eye,
As he charged into him ,with a smile gone wry.

"He looks like a man, is made of flesh and blood,
Then what attribute differs us both, I've never understood.

He worships another God; He prays another way,
Yet he bears the same burdens, as any man may.

He is likely a father,also a husband and a son,
Then why is it I must hate him, for which deed that he has done?"

As he crashed into him, the man to fight him now tried.
From his slumber he'd awoken;to kill, the will had left his side.

As he pinned him to the ground, he saw him eye to eye;
A glimpse of compassion? A thrust, a gasp, a sigh.

In his final moments he did this sight but see,
He was but a man; a man just as was he. .

Then as the Archangel, started to pull out his soul,
He knew thatnow for him, the bell had now toll,

All that was worldly, at the moment he forgot;
And departed to eternity , but with this final thought:

"In my heart I know that this, here will not die.
Another 'Hero' will rise, to his people he'll lie.

Here it will not end, of hatred we sowed the seed;
Ay, this they will venge, this woeful spiteful deed."

Choked with tears he cried, at the scourge he'd conspired.
The blood on his hands; the damnation that it had sired.

He knew they'd fight again, just another Black day,
To his people he wished , all this he could but say.

He knew they'd fight again, just another fateful time,
About that bloody day, another fool'd make a rhyme...

So I begin. .

I don’t know why I am writing this. I have never maintained a diary. I never wrote letters. Hated writing essays. Never even dreamed of creative writing before. Never put my thoughts to paper. . .but here I am , doing just that.
Last night while I was talking to a friend, I was told that writing is therapeutic. I don’t know if it is but the sheer frustration of the mind manifesting itself into a bunch of congruous words on paper sure does feel good.. Hopefully a few coherent lines may result. All i know is that the feel of pencil on paper , vigourously trying to encapsulate your every thought as you try to keep your writing in sync with your mind takes your mind away from all that nonsense going on inside your head.
I have been thinking about it. For nearly an hour now. Why write anything at all? I could very easily pick up the phone and talk to someone if that’s what I wished. But perhaps that’s precisely why I am writing all this.. I am done with that bit . I no longer wish to be emotionally dependant on another human being for my survival and well being. That is what landed me here in the first place. I need to counsel myself; I myself hold the key to my well being. That’s the only way I’ll ever learn to wean myself off my friend who has stood by me unflinchingly. I do not say that he will not be by my side when I need him or that all my gibberish bother s him the least bit when I’m in one of those moods of frenzied panic. But I think the time has come that I left that emotional nest and took flight. And perhaps that time is now.

As I am posting this up on the net. It’s been almost 2 months since I started maintain a log of all that I’ve been going through, mentally. . a lot of things have changed.
I no longer write on paper. Guess I’m going to be little tech savvy going forward huh. .
I am glad I started writing this. It has helped me answer a lot of questions that I wish I had answered a long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of emotional distress. A lot of time. . Don’t really know what else I lost in the bargain.

I am a lot more stable emotionally than I was when I started this sometime back. I am now aware of anything that passes through my head. Every single thought. I no longer feel the need to do anything I do not wish to. I no longer feel the need to conform to the stereotype that this society has formed for me as an individual. I am finally comfortable doing what I want to do.
I am a lot more open minded now. About a lot. Maybe even in a state to accept failure as a normal part of life. . I now belive that if God has given me troubles, it is because he has chosen me as a few of his people who can face adversity. I feel special cos I know that I will prevail. Not that which ails me. It will only leave me stronger at the end of it all.
I do not wish to judge anybody. I do not wish to be judged.
All that matters is I’m living my today and I intend to make it the best darn ‘today’ I have ever lived .
Someone recently told me that I was rapidly evolving into an organism far beyond recognition. At this time I know not if this is for better or for worse. All I know is that I am now liberated like never before.And I sure as hell am loving it.

With that thought in mind, signing off. . Adios ..