Solitude

As I took the long ride home;
Solitary was my state.
Tired and alone, wished for company;
Even an unforgiving mate.

And then a thought came flitting by;
Gave me strength, made me brave.
Intrepid is how you must now, feel,
cause this is how they’ll lay you in your grave.

It had been perhaps my best vacation till date. 3 days back , 10 of us had left Bangalore during it’s wee hours and made our way to Goa on our bikes. And as I made the bus journey back to Bangalore (my road trip having been cut short due to an inevitable breakdown) I started to miss the fellas. That’s when I realized I had the next twelve hours to myself. A dangerous situation. . don’t like it. .

Now I’ll be honest. It’s been a while since I felt that way. Since I’ve been alone both physically and mentally that is. Ever since I’d given up on the most exacting Endeavour of my insignificant life, I’ve had my best friend by my side every waking moment. He has pulled me through my worst times and ensured that I’ve more than survived each time. But now, with him miles away and me without a cellular network, I was having trouble coming to terms with my solitude.

I have spent a large part of my life by myself. Started life as an introverted kid... was quite a loner.But the hustle bustle of last few years have made me forget that feeling. Used to be completely at ease with my own self. Then why did this feel so weird all of a sudden?

Why did I feel the need for companionship all the time? Did I not love myself enough to spend a few moments by myself? I remember the times when I would spend hours just dreaming or introspecting ; talking to my own self at times for hours without end. How was this so different then? What was making me uncomfortable? Maybe it’s just been a while since I felt this way. .

As I sit there in the bus, fully aware of what I am feeling, I realize that it’s k to be alone. A friend’s words start to play in my mind -“We are all alone Faraaz. ALL THE BLOODY TIME. We come into this world alone. We leave this world alone. Come to think of it, when aren’t we alone? Even when we are in the presence of another individual we are alone. What do u mean by you will be alone then?”
All this is making me wonder what is it really that is scaring me? Did I actually believe that the presence of a familiar face was probably going to prevent me from say, a tragedy if it were to befall me that very instant? I have a barrage of thoughts right then that I cannot explain. Why this unsettling feeling? What has changed? Had anything changed? Why did I feel that I have left a part of me behind in time. Was it for good? Was it for bad? Maybe I ‘ll never know. I’m just aware of the change. I’m different now. Why does change have to be so scary?

I’ve given up a lot that I believed in lately. Some ideals that I have hung onto for as long as i could remember. It was just time to let go of them I guess. It didn’t make me any worse or any better a person. Maybe I am just growing up. Maybe I’m just learning to live. Maybe I’m just not that afraid anymore. Maybe I just don’t care. Maybe I just want to be left alone and just haven’t known it all along. Maybe I just need some time to heal.

Whatever that feeling. I am at peace with it now. I know it will trouble me again when I allow myself these tempting thoughts at a later date. But until then I have the time and I will have more answers. I will be ready to face these demons of mine then. With music in my ears I lay back and continue thinking.

Now:
As I put this post up, nearly 2 months after it’s been written. This is what I can say about it- this is by far my most sketchy piece and most impromptu one too. It’s funny how 8 stupid lines conjured out of thin air can bring about so much to think about. It led me onto a concept that I guess I will continue to breakdown and analyze in the future. There‘s more about this that I hope to write someday . . This does not end here .

Meanwhile, I seem to have found an old friend - my solitude.